Ring of Fire

My last few blog posts have been of the philosophical musing variety.  This one…not so much.  If you believe reading about the problematic digestive issues that accompany colorectal cancer therapy is TMI, you should probably stop reading now.

We have a chiminea on the back deck.  The previous owners left it behind. It’s a terra cotta fish, and its mouth forms the bottom opening, while its tail sticks straight up in the air.  When Gregg first lights a fire, flames shoot out of the tail.  Our kids delight in roasting marshmallows over what they call the “flaming fish butt”.  My current situation has left me feeling a certain kinship with this fish.

My butt is also “flaming”.

I had my 10^th dose of radiation this morning, and it’s beginning to take its toll.  While the radiation is shrinking the tumor, it’s also given me a case of “radiation enteritis and proctitis”, which is medical lingo for “your ass is now a flame thrower”.  The therapy is cooking the heck out of my lower digestive tract. Everything I eat must pass through a radiated gauntlet of fiery fried flesh, before it can exit my body.  Even the passage of gas elicits an excruciating burn beyond anything I’ve ever experienced.  I told Gregg the burn is so intense, I’m shocked the wind I expel doesn’t smell like barbecue.

But wait, there’s more.

When the remnants of my digestive process find their way out of the blistering channel of my rectum, they encounter a second angry adversary.  I have a hemorrhoid.  I only have one; it was the first gift my children ever gave to me.  Trust me; one is more than enough.  I swear, if this bugger grows any larger, I’m going to have to name him. (Yes, I’ve chosen to personify this painful protrusion as male.)  He’s stubborn, ill tempered, and he suffers from an acute case of “roid-rage”.

I know that I could be far worse off.  I’m one-third done with radiation and chemotherapy, and these are the only side effects I've experienced. (I suppose, I should call them “backside” effects).  Still, if things are this painful after 10 doses of radiation, I’m afraid to imagine how I might feel after 15, 20, or 25. 

I’m working with my oncologist to try to manage the situation. He gave me a list of low residue foods that may ease the irritation. I’m only on day two of this new “diet”, so we’ll see if it helps. I’ve stocked up on a variety of topical medications that provide a small measure of relief.  I’ve also learned that if I extend my left leg in the car and lock my knee, I can keep my bottom off the seat while I drive.

I’m at a loss for a clever way to end this post.  Unfortunately, my ability to sit here and think about it is limited.  It’s time for me to stop writing and go find an ice pack.